True or False: Can I Be Codependent If I'm Highly Independent?

Ever found yourself caught in an independent streak so strong it bordered on isolation or so fixated on others' needs you forgot your own? On the surface, hyperindependence and codependency might appear poles apart, but they can be rooted in the same early experiences of trauma or neglect. Inspired by a striking conversation with a hyper-independent friend, I spin a personal tale of self-discovery, charting my journey through these interwoven behavioral patterns and their effect on our relationships and self-concept.

I promise you a fascinating foray into the traits of highly independent people, their capacity to weather uncertainty, and their emphasis on a blend of self-reliance and collaboration. We don't shy away from the tough reality of codependency - the struggle to ask for help, the prioritization of others over self, and the control issues that underpin it all. The path to breaking free from codependency isn't easy, but it's worthwhile. We'll explore the importance of acknowledging and healing our inner wounds and beliefs and how embracing vulnerability can pave the way for a more balanced, authentic, and fulfilling life. This episode is a must-listen for anyone striving for healthier relationships and a deeper understanding of themselves.

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Corissa is a Holistic Trauma-Informed Coach & Narcissistic Abuse Specialist™ who empowers women after they’ve endured narcissist trauma to rediscover who they are, reclaim their power, and find the clarity and courage to move forward and live a life they love. Corissa is also a recovering people-pleaser and codependent who has endured way too many narcissistic relationships to count! She coaches not only from her knowledge and training but also from the wisdom she has gained from her own healing journey.

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Chapters

• 0:01 Unraveling Hyperindependence and Codependency
• 7:07 Understanding Codependency and Independence
• 14:41 Break Free From Codependency, Cultivate Balance

Transcript

Corissa Stepp: 0:01

Hey everyone, welcome back. So today I want to talk to you about something that kind of blew my mind when I had this conversation with a friend. We're going to be unraveling the complexities of hyperindependence and codependency. So I was having this conversation with a friend where I was explaining that I coach women who are ready to break free from codependency and recover from narcissistic abuse, and her response actually blew my mind. She said to me she goes oh, I'm not codependent, if anything, I'm the complete opposite. I'm so hyperindependent, like almost to a fault. And so when she said that to me, my jaw nearly fell to the floor, because what she said completely and totally struck a chord with me. Without realizing it, she had articulated exactly what I had once believed to be true, before I understood what it meant to be codependent. I felt like I was looking at a former version of myself, because I had totally forgotten that I had believed that same exact statement. So here she was, giving me something to respond to and allowing me this brief window of opportunity to explain to her and my younger self how I had had it all wrong, so very, very wrong.

Corissa Stepp: 1:22

You see, I was so fiercely independent, and had been for most of my life, and it was something that I had taken pride in, something that I had been commended for and praised for for years. There was no way in my mind five years ago that I was even remotely codependent. I mean, I probably didn't even know what the word meant, but if someone said it to me, for sure would have had the same exact response. I hated relying on others, I hated imposing on people, and I rarely, rarely ever, asked for help, and when I had to, because I had absolutely no choice, I would cringe. When I had to ask if they could help me out, even if that person was more than happy to help and lend a hand, I still felt so uncomfortable and awkward. It wasn't until I understood what codependency truly meant that it clicked. You see, codependency and independence are not mutually exclusive.

Corissa Stepp: 2:24

Codependency is a pattern of behaviors that's often learned as a coping mechanism in early childhood, due to dysfunctional family dynamics, trauma or neglect. Now, let's admit it, most families are dysfunctional in some way. Now, that doesn't mean that everyone adapts these codependent behaviors to self-preserve, but it's more common than you think. So among the list of traits of a codependent are someone who is overly responsible, high achieving, controlling, maybe even a perfectionist, a planner, and it's easy to see how some of these traits can also apply to someone who's very ambitious, motivated and keyword, independent. Now mix that with people pleasing tendencies, which is also PS, a codependent behavior.

Corissa Stepp: 3:13

When you have set yourself up for disaster and, in particular, burnout, codependents learn to be fiercely independent as a result of being disappointed by those around them. They often will have a caregiver who is either neglectful, might be emotionally distant or just can't meet their emotional and sometimes, unfortunately, physical needs. So when they realize that their needs are either inconsistently met or neglected in childhood, they adapt this coping mechanism of being highly independent to avoid getting deeply hurt and disappointed or feeling the deep inner child wound of feeling not important, lovable or enough Throughout their lives. A codependent might be reinforced, as I mentioned, right commended and recognized for their fiercely independent nature. This recognition may even be misconstrued as love, as they both trigger a release of oxytocin in the brain. The independent, people-pleasing codependent will likely then attract partners who are more than happy to let the codependent do all the heavy lifting in their relationship. The codependent will struggle, yet will continue to avoid asking for help or relying on others. Eventually, however, they will burn out from the overwhelm and the stress of trying to juggle it all alone. They will be so busy meeting the needs of everyone else while pushing themselves to the bottom of the list.

Corissa Stepp: 4:40

If this sounds like you, you may have also learned to play small out of a fear of ever being a burden or imposing on someone else or, worse yet, being rejected or told that you're too much, you're too sensitive, you're too needy, you're too selfish. You may even avoid seeking support, being emotionally vulnerable or trusting others. Receiving negative feedback or criticism may also be hard to hear and, as a result, you may have found yourself overachieving, overgiving and being the good girl in order to receive recognition and positive attention. Instead, part of your childhood experience may have been learning how to stuff down your emotions. So that you didn't burden the adults in your life with your big, intense emotions, you may have been told to go to your room until you calm down, leaving you without any kind of coping strategies to deal with your big emotions, and, as a result, you learned that your emotions were not safe to feel and, as a matter of fact, you were ostracized for even expressing them. So why bother? So you learned how to not even share your feelings or sharing how you felt with others because, again, you didn't want to burden them. It obviously made them so uncomfortable, so why even do it? And so, as a result, you may have even learned to completely dissociate. Since you learned that your needs and your emotions were a burden, you may have adapted behaviors that enabled you to survive without relying on anyone else. You may have also understood that your value and worth only came from what others thought of you, that your worth was dependent on someone else's approval or recognition.

Corissa Stepp: 6:19

So now I want to quickly outline some of the traits of someone who's highly independent, so that we can have a slightly deeper discussion. So some of the traits include being overly self-reliant. Independent individuals are capable of making decisions and taking actions on their own. They have confidence in their abilities and they're comfortable relying on themselves for guidance and support. Highly independent people are also going to be autonomous. They value their freedom and their independence, both in their thoughts and their actions. They have a strong sense of personal agency and prefer to have control over their own lives. They're also very strong. They possess an inner resilience and resourcefulness, and they're able to navigate challenges and setbacks without relying heavily on others for support.

Corissa Stepp: 7:07

Highly independent people usually appear very confident. They have a very strong belief in their own abilities and judgment, and they trust themselves to make sound decisions and are not easily swayed by other people's opinions or external pressures. They may also be very good at setting boundaries and asserting their needs and setting limits. They understand the importance of maintaining their own space and time and emotional well-being. Highly independent people are also very self-motivated. They're internally driven, they have a sense of purpose and they're proactive in pursuing their goals and aspirations without constant external validation or direction. They're also highly adaptable. They're comfortable with change and they're adaptable in various situations. They can handle uncertainty and are open to new experiences and perspectives. Highly independent people are also emotionally independent usually, and that means that they're capable of regulating their emotions and are not overly dependent on others for emotional support or validation. They have a strong sense of self-awareness and they're able to process and manage their feelings effectively. Highly independent people are also really good at making decisions right. They have strong decision-making skills and they have this ability to confidently decide and move forward and take responsibility for whatever the outcome might be. They can weigh the pros and the cons, they can consider different perspectives and then they trust their judgments, their judgment that they're going to make the right decision in the end, and they also might highly value while they highly value their independence, they're also going to recognize the importance of healthy relationships and that there is meant to be a balance between self-reliance and collaboration. So they have a good idea or a good understanding of interdependence and that interdependence allows for mutual support and growth.

Corissa Stepp: 9:06

Now let's talk about the traits of a codependent independent. A codependent independent is going to be taking more responsibility than anyone else in their relationships. They have a sense of over-responsibility. They're going to take excessive responsibility for others' well-being and their actions and, as a result, they're going to neglect their own needs in the process. They're going to have difficulty asking for help right. They're going to struggle with asking for support or relying on others, even when it is necessary or appropriate. You may even feel uncomfortable or fear being perceived as weak or burdensome. They're going to avoid vulnerability. They have difficulty with being emotionally vulnerable with others and they often keep their emotions and their struggles to themselves. Sharing feelings and seeking emotional support is going to feel really uncomfortable and actually quite unsafe to them.

Corissa Stepp: 10:01

A codependent independent is also going to exhibit people-pleasing behavior. They often prioritize other people's needs and desires over their own, and that's their way of trying to gain approval, avoid conflict and also receive validation. Right, they might go to great lengths to ensure other people's happiness, and that's often at the expense of their own well-being. Codependent independence are also going to lack boundaries. Right, they're going to struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries and relationships, resulting in difficulty asserting their needs or saying no to others' requests, or even speaking up for themselves. They're going to have a deep fear of abandonment. Right. That deep fear of rejection and abandonment is what's going to drive them to stay in unhealthy and one-sided relationships, even when their own well-being is compromised. Codependent independence also have a need for control. They may exhibit controlling tendencies as a way to maintain some sort of sense of stability and security. They may struggle with trusting others and feel the need to be in charge of situations or outcomes.

Corissa Stepp: 11:16

Code-dependent independence are going to also have difficulty with intimacy. They may have challenges in forming deep, intimate connections due to their fear of being emotionally dependent on others or losing their independence. They may keep a relationship at the surface in order to avoid being too vulnerable. And again, they're going to struggle to trust people and you don't trust them when it's really hard to be very deeply intimate with them. Code-dependent independence are also going to have a strong self-reliance, meaning that they pride themselves on their independence and self-reliance and they rely heavily on their own capabilities and resources. They know that they're resourceful. They might find it challenging to accept help or support from others, believing that they can handle it all on their own, and that's where it leads to burnout. And code-dependent independence, lastly, are also going to neglect their own self-care. They're going to prioritize taking care of others and fulfilling responsibilities at the expense of their own well-being and self-care, and they're going to struggle to prioritize their own needs or feel guilty when they're focused on themselves.

Corissa Stepp: 12:32

Now it's important to remember that these traits that I just laid out for you for the highly fiercely independent and the codependent independent they're going to manifest in varying degrees in different people. So not every codependent independent is going to exhibit all of these signs and not every fiercely independent person is going to exhibit all of the signs that I laid out before, and the intensity obviously can also vary. But I'm hoping that I've clearly laid out for you a better understanding of how it's possible to actually be codependent and independent at the same time. This realization that codependency and independence are not mutually exclusive can be profoundly eye-opening. Many individuals like myself and even my friend, have mistakenly believed for so long that being fiercely independent meant that we couldn't possibly be codependent. However, codependent behaviors can coexist with independence, leading to burnout, difficulty seeking support, playing small out of a fear of being a burden, and it also can dramatically impact the depth of the connections that you create with others.

Corissa Stepp: 13:49

As I mentioned, codependency stems from childhood experiences of dysfunctional family dynamics, trauma or neglect. So do not blame yourself. This coping mechanism of becoming fiercely independent arose from a deep need to protect yourself from disappointment and neglect. In this process, you may have suppressed your emotions and have had a hard time, maybe, expressing or processing your feelings. The recognition and validation you may have received for being independent possibly maybe you were even praised as a child for being mature beyond your years that may have been misconstrued as love when you received that compliment, that praise, that validation, that recognition, because, as I mentioned, recognition and love both trigger the release of oxytocin.

Corissa Stepp: 14:41

However, the reliance on self and avoidance of relying on others eventually takes a toll. It leads to burnout and it leads to an inability to ask for help when you are struggling the most. Codependency and embracing a healthier balance between independence and interdependence requires acknowledging and healing the underlying wounds and beliefs. It involves learning how to express your emotions, feeling safe enough to seek support and recognizing that your self worth should not solely depend on external validation. Understanding the complex interplay between codependent behaviors and hyperindependence can be the first step towards personal growth, self-discovery and building healthier relationships. By unraveling these patterns and embracing vulnerability and connection, you can break free from the habit of codependency and cultivate a more balanced, authentic and fulfilling life and, as we know, we can then create deeper and more meaningful relationships. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode. Until next week, be well.