Understanding the Top 8 Reasons Why a Narcissist Won't Change

In this week's episode, we dive into the Top 8 reasons Why a Narcissist Won't Change. Whether you've experienced toxic relationships firsthand or are seeking to understand and support a loved one who has, this episode is packed with valuable insights and actionable tips.

Here are 5 key takeaways from the episode that you won't want to miss:

1. Narcissists lack self-awareness and struggle to acknowledge their own faults, making change difficult.

2. Their fragile self-esteem and fear of vulnerability make it challenging for them to accept their flaws and mistakes.

3. Narcissists depend on narcissistic supply and resist behaviors that may threaten this validation.

4. They place themselves in environments that reinforce their harmful behaviors, making change less likely.

5. Their resistance to therapy and deep internalized patterns further hinder their ability to change.

Fun Fact: Did you know that some narcissists may feign willingness to change as a tactic to maintain their relationships, but long-term change is rare?

As you can see, this episode is packed with valuable insights that can help you better understand the dynamics of narcissistic behavior and how it impacts relationships.

If you're looking for support in recovering from a narcissistic relationship, then come join us in StrongHER - a Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Group.   DM me "SIMRPodcast" to join us at a very special rate! 

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Corissa is a Somatic Trauma-Informed Relationship Coach™ & Narcissistic Abuse Specialist ™ who empowers women after they’ve endured narcissist trauma to rediscover who they are, reclaim their power and find the clarity and courage to move forward and live a life they love. Corissa is also a recovering people-pleaser and codependent who has endured way too many narcissistic relationships to count! She coaches not only from her knowledge and training but also from the wisdom she has gained from her own healing journey.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:04

Welcome to the Stepping into Meaningful Relationships podcast. I'm your host, carissa Stepp. I'm a somatic, trauma-informed coach and narcissistic abuse specialist. This is a podcast for you if you're looking to improve your most important relationship, the one you have with yourself, so you can more meaningfully and deeply connect with those around you. This podcast will equip you with valuable tools, tips and tricks essential for recovering from toxic relationships and guide you towards cultivating healthy, fulfilling and intimate connections with others. But first, let's start with you. I'm so excited you're here taking this powerful step forward. Thank you for tuning in. Now let's get to today's episode.

Speaker 1: 0:51

Hello, hello and welcome to another episode of Stepping into Meaningful Relationships. I'm your host, carissa Stepp, and today we're going to be talking about the top eight reasons why a narcissist will not change. So let's dive right in Number one. One of the key factors or key things that we know about a narcissist is that they do not have any sense of self-awareness. Right, they lack insight into who they are. They don't see themselves as someone who's not already potentially perfect. Right, they tend to view themselves in a way that blinds them to their own faults, meaning that they don't even see that there's anything wrong with them. Right, they have a really hard time seeing themselves for who they are and so, as a result, they don't have the awareness that they would need in order to make a change because, from their perspective, they're not the ones who are maybe the problem in the relationship. They may not even be aware of, potentially, how they might be hurting other people with their behavior, and because they don't have that sense of awareness or have that insight into how their behavior impacts other people, they don't believe that there's anything wrong with them. They don't believe that they're the ones who need to do any kind of work on themselves.

Speaker 1: 2:23

I hear so many times from my clients about how they've been in a relationship with a narcissist. They might have encouraged their partner to go into couples counseling to help the relationship because clearly they were having issues in the relationship, and what happens is is the therapist will sometimes give the couple homework to do of things that they need to work on for themselves, and then they obviously need to work on things together in the relationship, and a lot of times the narcissist will just kind of placate the therapist by saying, yes, I'll do that. Yes, no problem, okay, I'll work on it. And then they come away from a session and there's no actual work being done. Personally, I've also seen situations where a narcissistic partner will then maybe sign up for or enroll or engage in some sort of individual therapy but while they might be showing up in the office for this one hour session with a therapist, they're not actually doing the work or digging deep to change their behavior in any kind of way. They're literally just going in and checking a box of saying like hey, I showed up, I was there, but they're not really doing that deep inner work that oftentimes the non-narcissistic partner is willing and capable of doing.

Speaker 1: 3:43

Because they do have a sense of self-awareness. Narcissists tend to view themselves through somewhat of a lens of perfection, right. They believe that how they were raised or who they have become is not a bad person. They believe that they are perfectly fine the way that they are. They believe that their upbringing was perfectly normal, even if they have experienced actual dysfunction in their family or perhaps, maybe even they've grown up with some significant trauma that has occurred. So they're really unaware of again who they are, what they've been through, the trauma that they hold, and they lack the insight to understand how their actions impact other people. Number two they also have a really fragile self-esteem.

Speaker 1: 4:27

Right, we've talked about how narcissists are deeply insecure individuals and so, while they might have this outward display of confidence, many narcissists actually have a very fragile sense of self-esteem or a very fragile self-esteem. And so, because they're so fragile and because they're so deeply insecure, they're not able to acknowledge their flaws or their mistakes, because that will feel like a direct threat to their sense of self. So, as a result, they likely have adopted different defense mechanisms and coping strategies to help protect them from ever feeling that deep insecurity that they hold. And so, as a result, because those protective mechanisms, those defense patterns are so deeply ingrained to keep them safe, there's no willingness on their part to actually change, there's no willingness on their part to actually look at the parts of them that might be flawed or it might make it very difficult for them to even acknowledge the mistakes that they have made, because then they'd have to be vulnerable, then they would have to actually see that they're not perfect, then they would have to actually be in a vulnerable place which, when you're very insecure, feeling vulnerable, feels really unsafe. So that's another reason why they're never going to change.

Speaker 1: 6:02

The other thing, number three, which we just touched on is they have a fear of vulnerability. In order to change, you need to actually be able to acknowledge your mistakes. You have to acknowledge your flaws, you have to acknowledge that you're not perfect, you have to acknowledge that your behavior might actually be hurting somebody else. And when people are vulnerable and they're able to acknowledge all those things, it can leave them open to criticism and feeling really unsafe. So if they were to be vulnerable, that might mean that they are weak, that might mean that they are not perfect.

Speaker 1: 6:45

For narcissists, who often go to great lengths to protect their self-image, the process of becoming vulnerable, to face and acknowledge their behavior, the impact that their actions have had on other people, and even acknowledging those again, those flaws and those weaknesses that they have, can feel really daunting for them and it can end up causing them to feel very resistant to engaging in any kind of self-improvement Because, again, it's too scary, they don't feel safe doing it. They also number four they also have a really deep dependence on narcissistic supply to help support their ego. As we know, narcissists tend to crave admiration, validation, attention, recognition, and they rely on their narcissistic supply to boost their self-esteem. So, moving away from behaviors that might secure them of that supply, no matter how destructive it is, can be really difficult for them. The fifth reason why they're not going to change is because they are in relationships and placing themselves in certain environments or situations that reinforces their harmful behaviors. So what does that mean? That means that if the people around them whether that's at work or at home, in their personal relationships are continuing to provide admiration and attention and recognition and maybe even validation with some of their behaviors, then it's going to reduce their external motivation to see that they need to make a change.

Speaker 1: 8:42

We know that a lot of narcissists and it can go both ways. Of course there's two sides of the spectrum here, but there are the narcissists that sit on one side of the spectrum where they are very high achieving, they are very successful, they do well in their job. Some of their narcissistic tendencies are what drove them to that point or got them to that place, and so if they're constantly getting reinforced in a work environment for being smart, for being manipulative they might have been very manipulative to even get to where they are or maybe they are managing people but using tactics that are probably a little untoward, but people don't really understand that because our corporate environments most likely and this is a little bit of a blanket statement, but I would say across corporate America some of the tactics that people use to get ahead the sharp elbows, pushing other people down, criticizing other people to make themselves look good these are things that happen in corporate culture, especially here in the, I know, the United States. That's very toxic and so that lends itself to someone who is narcissistic. They can get ahead very easily by employing these tactics that typically are associated with narcissism.

Speaker 1: 9:55

So it can be really hard when they're getting reinforced in one aspect of their life to see that they need to change or do anything to change because it's paying off in some other aspect, in some other part of their life. So even in their relationships, if you have been with a narcissist for a long time and maybe you have been feeding them that supply, you can get ahead very easily by employing. They may not understand that they need to change because you've been in that relationship for as long as you have up until this point. So maybe you've been in a 10-year marriage and they don't understand. Well, why do I have to change? I'm not any different. You're the one who's changed, so obviously you need to do some work, because things were fine before. Why are things different now? And they're not going to take accountability for their actions, right? So that's like.

Speaker 1: 10:44

Another thing is that narcissists don't take accountability for their actions, and part of that comes down to the fact that they do have these really strong defense mechanisms, which would be number six out of this list that we're giving you today. Those defense mechanisms, those defense patterns which the narcissist use, and they look like things like denial and projection and splitting, which is kind of like black and white thinking to guard against any kind of feelings of inadequacy. You're either good or you're bad, you're either powerful or you're weak, and so by employing some of those mechanisms, those defense patterns, it becomes so automatic that the narcissist is not even maybe aware of them. It's just kind of almost like a part of who they are and that can create really significant barriers to change. Because they're not taking accountability. They're shifting the blame constantly. It's always someone else's fault when a narcissist adopts a victim mindset. They're looking at their life and the circumstances and the things that are happening, and there's always someone else to blame for it. They're not taking accountability, and if they're not taking accountability for what's happened, then they're not recognizing that they're part of the problem. And if they're not part of the problem, then they don't need to change.

Speaker 1: 12:07

When we talk about narcissistic personalities, these personalities have developed since childhood. They've developed in a response to trauma, in response to dysfunctional family dynamics, and so they have become so ingrained into who the narcissist is. It impacts the way they think, the way they feel, the way they behave that it really requires a lot of deep, intensive work, which many narcissists are not going to be willing to undertake. Again, they don't see themselves. They don't see that their way of thinking or their way of behaving or their emotional dysregulation, they don't see that as a problem. And it's for all these other reasons that we've already kind of outlined right. There's always someone else's fault. Things happen to them. There's nothing wrong with them. They've been successful in certain aspects of their life. These other people feel that I'm a good person. These other people think that, you know, I'm a great partner. They think that I'm a great employee or whatever.

Speaker 1: 13:17

It might be right when they're getting that narcissistic supply which just reinforces within them that they're not the problem, that they don't need to change, that they are perfectly fine the way that they are and a lot of these patterns that they adapt, which we know are abusive, right, because they lead into emotional abuse and psychological abuse. They happen below our conscious awareness. That even for the narcissist, a lot of times like there's a big question is is their behavior conscious or is their behavior subconscious? Are they even aware that what they're doing is hurting somebody else? And again, they do lack that self-awareness and there's reasons why. It's because they are protecting themselves so much, because they are so deeply wounded and they are so deeply insecure. And then again, like the last, top reason why a narcissist will not change is because a lot of them are actually resistant to therapy or resistant to again doing that work, because admitting that they need help can be seen as a sign of weakness and because therapy or coaching requires a deep level of introspection and the ability to take accountability, because that can be so highly uncomfortable for the narcissist, they just want to avoid it altogether.

Speaker 1: 14:46

So, understanding that if you are in a relationship with a narcissistic partner and if you share with them, number one I'm just gonna say this off the bat I would never suggest that you tell a narcissist that you think that they are narcissists, because that could backfire in your face and it could actually escalate the abuse. It's also not going to be effective because they are going to project and blame, shift and mince your words and twist them all around, and it's just not going to provide you with a productive outcome. It's not going to actually encourage them or motivate them to change. So don't do that. But I think understanding all the reasons why they're not going to change and why you shouldn't be holding out hope that they're going to change is important.

Speaker 1: 15:37

Now we do see sometimes that narcissists, when push comes to shove, if they feel like they're going to be losing their narcissistic supply ie you, the partner in the relationship who's been giving them the supply for so long or if they believe that ending the relationship says something about them or that it's going to impact their self-image in some way, then they're likely going to try whatever tactic they have to try in order to keep you in that relationship. And that could mean that they do agree to go to therapy, whether that's couples counseling or individual therapy or both. But what you will find is that that's only going to last for so long and they are literally doing it as a way to placate you, so that you feel like the relationship is still safe, so that you have hope that they're going to change. And as long as you have hope that they're going to change, you will stay in that relationship which benefits them. So remember, a narcissist is not going to do anything unless they believe there's something in it for them. And that's something that's in it for them, if they were to go to therapy or work with a coach, would be that they get to keep their relationship.

Speaker 1: 16:58

And maybe you might be thinking well, why would they want to stay in a relationship with me if they don't even really love me? Well, there also might be other reasons why the relationship is beneficial for them. Do you provide them with a lifestyle that they could not achieve or attain or have without you? Maybe you're the higher earner in the relationship and maybe that's the reason why. Or maybe it could be that they might even believe that being the quote unquote family guy is the image that they want to uphold, or the image that they earn so much or they're so successful in their job that it allows for the luxury of having their wife at home. So I'm just giving you some examples as to why, potentially, a narcissist will attempt to show that they are changing, or might even take steps to prove that they are trying to change.

Speaker 1: 18:09

And while that might keep you in the relationship for longer, in the long run you will likely see that the changes are not going to stick. When push comes to shove, when things get stressful, when you set a boundary or when you do something that they don't approve of or they don't like or that isn't in compliance with what they want, you will likely see the same patterns, the same manipulative tactics, the same defense mechanisms resurface again. So they are never truly going to make the deep change that they need to make in order for you to feel emotionally safe in the relationship. And that's what this all comes down to. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist and you were trying to decide should I stay or should I go, I want you to focus on how you're feeling in the relationship. Do you feel emotionally safe? Do you feel physically safe? Do you feel like you are losing your mind, or that your sanity is going, or that you are losing your memory of things? Because, again, that could come down to the tactics that the narcissist is using to make you doubt your sense of reality, make you not forget what happened. They're just twisting it all around and telling you that that's not what happened and that something else happened, even though you remember it differently. So it might make you question whether or not you can remember what actually occurred. So, again, I would highly encourage you to go back and listen to the episode that I put out back in January of 2024 with the internal red flags the 12 internal red flags to help you identify whether or not you're in a narcissistic relationship, because that's really important. How you are feeling in the relationship is more important than if the narcissist can change, because I'm telling you right now, there is a very low likelihood that the narcissist will change.

Speaker 1: 20:15

We also say how narcissists oftentimes have little to no empathy. We know that we can learn empathy. However, the only way to be able to learn empathy is you need to be able to be self-aware. You need to be able to understand what someone else is feeling. You need to be able to understand how, maybe, your actions impact other people. You need to be able to acknowledge what someone else might need in a situation when they're struggling, and that can't happen if you don't have a high degree of empathy, or if you lack awareness, or if you are uncomfortable like wildly uncomfortable with vulnerability, because empathy requires vulnerability.

Speaker 1: 21:11

So, while empathy can be learned, understand that there are all of these other dynamics of play. There are all of these narcissistic traits that are going to disallow for a narcissist to be able to respond in an emotionally appropriate way when they see you struggling and be able to empathize with that. Right, because there's different types of empathy and we can do a whole other episode on the different types of empathy. So a narcissist might be able to recognize what you're feeling, right, they might be able to recognize, maybe, that you're angry, but knowing how to respond to that in an emotionally appropriate way, that's a different type of empathy. So, in a more appropriate way, that's a different type of empathy, okay, so anyway, I really hope that that helps. I hope that this gave you a clear understanding as to why a narcissist will not change and, again, like I can't say that no narcissist ever on this entire planet will ever, ever change. There are varying degrees of narcissism. Some people just have more narcissistic tendencies than others, but may not actually have a narcissistic personality. The difference I would say there is that we all number one. We all have narcissistic tendencies in us, but if we are not employing behaviors that are hurtful, if that are not abusive to other people, then we are not a narcissist Again, I hope that helps.

Speaker 1: 22:42

I just want you to go in with full awareness. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist and they're telling you that they're going to change or they are showing you in some way that they are trying to change, that you don't hold out too much hope. Allow their actions to prove to you whether or not it's possible. And their actions need to be consistent. Making change is very hard. Obviously, there's not going to be consistency right off the bat.

Speaker 1: 23:09

You need to set a timeframe that you are comfortable with for when you would like to see the change be consistent in the relationship. That doesn't have to be communicated out loud to your partner. It's just for your own sake of sanity and peace of mind. So, in other words, if you're in a relationship with a narcissist and they are like I'm going to go to therapy, I'm going to do this work, and you're like, okay, great, and you want to give them the opportunity because you don't want to end the relationship Maybe you've got kids that are involved, and so you want to make sure you give it your all. You want to give it one last shot, just to see. You're going to be doing the work on yourself, your partner is going to be doing the work on his or herself, and so, as a result, maybe you're like, okay, let's just see what happens.

Speaker 1: 23:56

Well, you need to still set a timeline in your mind as to how long you're going to wait for those changes to take place. I wouldn't say that you should only give them a month. It's very hard for people to change their behavior within one month. These behaviors are so ingrained in them. So it's going to take a lot of work, it's going to take a lot of time, but is it reasonable to say six months, maybe three months? Yeah, maybe Could it be a year, maybe, but what are you sacrificing in the meantime? So that's important to be aware of and that's important for you to assess and understand and have in the back of your mind of like, how much am I willing to sacrifice to stay in this relationship, to wait for this person to make the changes that they need to make so that I feel emotionally safe in the relationship, so that I feel like I'm not being manipulated, so that I feel like I can trust them again. That's a big question. If you're being manipulated all of the time, it's going to be very hard for you to trust the narcissist. And once the trust is gone, it takes a lot to win that back. And if this were a healthy person, it might be reasonable to try to rebuild that trust. But with a narcissist who is manipulative, who is oftentimes acting, saying or doing things that are in their own best interest with an underlying motivation to keep their narcissistic supply, it's going to be really hard. You may not ever be able to trust them again in a way where you feel emotionally safe, in a way where you can then recreate that emotional intimacy in your relationship. So these are all just things to think about. I really hope that helps. If you've got any questions, please feel free to reach out to me on Instagram at Carissa Step. We also have our podcast website, steppingintomeetingfulrelationshipscom.

Speaker 1: 25:55

If you are looking for support, if you feel like you are in a narcissistic relationship and you want support to help you get to a place where you can become clear about what you should be doing in your relationship, about decisions that you need to make for yourself, for your family, then come join us in Stronger. This is my narcissistic trauma recovery group. We have been meeting since the beginning of February. We do have all of the content. You can go back and watch replays so you're not behind in any kind of way. Once a week we do group coaching, where I'm teaching on content, skills, tools, all that. Right now we're actually working on mapping the nervous system, which is so important if you've been in a narcissistic relationship.

Speaker 1: 26:36

And then the second call during the week is a connection call where you get to sit in a love seat. You could volunteer for a love seat where I will coach you on what you are experiencing, what you're going through, the time for me to answer any questions that the group has and it's really been an amazing, amazing experience so far, at least for me running it, but also from the feedback that I'm getting, it seems like everyone's really getting a lot out of it, which is amazing. We also have an incredible community of women that are there to support you as well, which is also amazing. So you can get validation from your experiences by talking to these other women who've also experienced what you have been through, and I'd love to see you in there and, if you're interested, head on over to my website. Book a call with me if you've got questions. And until next week, everyone be well. If you're hearing this message, that means you've listened all the way to the end, and for that I am truly grateful.

Speaker 1: 27:33

If you enjoyed this episode and found it valuable, would you mind leaving us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and sharing it with others? If you'd like to connect with me for one-on-one coaching or human design reading, you can find me on my website or on social media. Also, if you have a topic you'd like me to discuss on a future episode, please DM me. Be sure to tune in next week for another episode of Stepping into Meaningful Relationships.