Understanding Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics and How to Recover from the Hurt

In this episode, wedives deep into the complex world of narcissistic manipulation, shining a light on the subtle yet destructive tactics used by narcissists to control and undermine their victims.

From gaslighting and triangulation to coercive control and isolation, we unpack each strategy, providing you with the knowledge needed to identify these manipulative behaviors in your own life.

Whether you're questioning the dynamics of a challenging relationship or seeking support to heal from psychological scars, this episode offers a comprehensive guide to understanding, confronting, and overcoming the impact of narcissistic abuse.

Tune in to empower yourself with awareness and start the journey toward healing and reclaiming your freedom.

If you're looking for support in your journey towards recovery, book a call with me HERE. 

Send a screenshot of your podcast review and I'll share a supportive Resource to help you overcome narcissistic manipulation!  Email it to corissa@corissastepp.com or DM me on IG @corissastepp.  

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Corissa is a Somatic Trauma-Informed Relationship Coach™ & Narcissistic Abuse Specialist ™ who empowers women after they’ve endured narcissist trauma to rediscover who they are, reclaim their power and find the clarity and courage to move forward and live a life they love. Corissa is also a recovering people-pleaser and codependent who has endured way too many narcissistic relationships to count! She coaches not only from her knowledge and training but also from the wisdom she has gained from her own healing journey.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:04

Welcome to the Stepping into Meaningful Relationships podcast. I'm your host, carissa Stepp. I'm a somatic, trauma-informed coach and narcissistic abuse specialist. This is a podcast for you if you are looking to improve your most important relationship, the one you have with yourself, so you can more meaningfully and deeply connect with those around you. This podcast will equip you with valuable tools, tips and tricks essential for recovering from toxic relationships and guide you towards cultivating healthy, fulfilling and intimate connections with others. But first let's start with you. I'm so excited you're here taking this powerful step forward. Thank you for tuning in. Now let's get to today's episode. Hey, hey, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Stepping into Meaningful Relationships. I'm your host, carissa Stepp. I am very excited to be chatting with you today.

Speaker 1: 1:03

This week we're going to be talking about narcissistic manipulation tactics, and we're going to be speaking about these especially because I think that it's important to become aware of, because a lot of times, these tactics are used, sometimes below our level of awareness, and they're designed to control and belittle and undermine us in these relationships, and they can leave these psychological scars right and it can cause a lot of emotional pain later on. So understanding these tactics is really crucial for understanding the dynamics number one of abuse, but also of these toxic relationships, so that you can go and seek the appropriate support. The first tactic is most likely the one that you are most familiar with, which is gaslighting. Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tool that a narcissist will use to make you doubt your own recollection of events that have happened. That will cause you to doubt your perception or even your sanity. They will deny that certain things happened. They might belittle your emotions or how you feel about something, or even take whatever your perception is of what happened and twist it in a way that favors whatever narrative they want you to believe that is going to ultimately benefit them and, as a result, this technique can lead you to feeling very confused and leave you doubting your sense of reality, or you might begin to doubt whether or not you're able to recall things properly and feel in a way that you're losing your mind. And that's all on purpose. The narcissist wants you to feel like you can't trust yourself. The narcissist wants you to begin to doubt your sense of reality, because if they get to shape and influence your perception of what's actually happening, then most likely you're not going to be able to recognize that what you're experiencing is the narcissist is trying to keep their power and their control over you.

Speaker 1: 3:15

The next manipulation tactic is triangulation, and we see this a lot when the narcissist will use a third party, whether that's a friend or a family member or someone else, to validate their viewpoint or to play and pivot people against one another. Usually, this is the narcissist's way of driving a wedge between you and likely someone close to you, because the narcissist probably perceives that maybe A this other person can see them clearly for who they are. So they want to drive distance between you and this other person because they are afraid that they're going to influence your perception of the narcissist and their behavior. That would then cause you to see them for who they truly are. They sometimes will do this when they want to create some sort of jealousy or competition or tension in order to make you feel like you're a narcissist, inadequate, or make you feel like you don't have anyone else in your life that you can trust. When they can drive a wedge between the people you care about that are your support network and you, then it allows them to have greater power and influence over you, because then you're only relying on the narcissist to influence how you think, how you feel, and so they'll do this to undermine your relationship with other people because it's serving their interests in some way. They might even try to drive a wedge between you and your children as a way for you to constantly pick the narcissist over even your kids, on a daily basis, where you're putting the narcissist needs first.

Speaker 1: 5:03

Again, the narcissist is going to use triangulation as a way to maybe even incite jealousy within you, because if you are jealous of, say, the narcissist's relationship with a third party, then that means you're going to try even harder to win the narcissist's favor. You're going to try even harder to keep the narcissist in the relationship by going above and beyond to serve their needs, to maybe boost their ego. You might love them more, or love them harder, or try harder in the relationship. They also might try to create this competition between whether or not you're giving the narcissist more attention than this other person in your life. And they do that because, again, they want to keep all of your energy, your focus, your attention, your love on them, because they need it in order to feel safe, because the narcissist has a big fear of abandonment. The narcissist is deeply insecure, and so if you put all your time and attention into them, then they feel number one secure, but number two, they feel more important than other people. So the narcissist is going to use this triangulation in order to continue to get and secure and maintain their narcissistic supply.

Speaker 1: 6:32

Another tactic of the narcissist is coercive control. Coercive control is a pattern that we've talked about before in the podcast when we had Jennifer Parker on where we discussed in depth coercive relationships. Coercive control is a pattern of behavior that seeks to take away your ability to number one make decisions for yourself. It attempts to restrict your civil rights to come and go as you please, to spend time with whomever you want. They might even be trying to control what you wear or how you look, and it could even come down to managing and controlling finances, where they no longer allow you to make decisions around how money is spent or invested. The narcissist will justify this type of behavior as them being very concerned or very caring. It might look like they're very protective over you.

Speaker 1: 7:33

A narcissist might also use the tactic of isolation, so triangulation can kind of play into this too. Right, the whole, I think, end goal of triangulation is number one yes, to get the narcissist's needs met and their ego boosted and for them to feel secure, but it also can be this underlying motivation to isolate you from people that you are close to, so they're going to look to do whatever they can to manipulate you into spending less time with the people that you care about. They want to literally separate you from the supportive relationships that you have in your life, and this could be achieved by maybe causing you to have to move far away from your loved ones. It might look like criticizing your close relationships and making you question whether or not these other people have your best interests at heart, because perhaps maybe the narcissist is letting you know that they are the only ones who know what's best for you. They're the only ones who really love you or really care about you or really see you for who you are, or love you for all of who you are, whereas these other people in your life don't. They might also try to monopolize your time, so this is also part of the isolation tactic, where they might, before you're going out to spend time with friends, they might pitch a big fit and make you feel really guilty as a result, cause you to then make the decision that you're not going to go out with your friends because you feel bad. You feel bad that you have maybe hurt their feelings, or maybe you feel so much guilt that you feel like, oh, I can't leave my partner at home because they have nothing to do. And this is really selfish of me to want to go out and be with my friends while they're at home alone. And the narcissist is going to play into that narrative and they're going to just keep reaffirming that so that you start to eventually spend less and less time with family or friends. And that's all on purpose because, again, we all need supportive relationships in our lives and if you are no longer maintaining those relationships because the narcissist has manipulated you to let those go or to place a distance between you and the supportive people in your life, your support network, then they have more influence, they have more control.

Speaker 1: 9:56

The narcissist might also use the silent treatment. This is an emotionally abusive behavior, because if the narcissist is using the silent treatment to withhold emotional support, or the narcissist is using the silent treatment to punish you for something that maybe you did, and maybe what you did was just merely set a boundary, or maybe you spoke up for yourself, or maybe you challenged the narcissist in some way, where now they feel threatened. So, as a result, they ignore you, they freeze you out, they refuse to speak to you and typically the silent treatment will last for hours to even days, it could even be months, depending on the relationship, where they will not even acknowledge your presence and, as a result, the reason why they keep doing this is because they feel like they have power and they have control. Then, if they're not acknowledging you, if they're not providing you with emotional support, you might be thinking well, what did I do wrong? It might encourage you to even apologize for something that you didn't even do. It might encourage you to try harder in the relationship to try and make them happy again, to get them to stop ignoring you. But really their whole purpose is to inflict this emotional pain on you and regain that control. Because if you are a person that tends to over apologize or is maybe naturally a little bit more submissive, then using this tactic of the silent treatment enables the narcissist to regain that control over you after some sort of confrontation or conflict or when they are acting in a way that they don't approve of or agree with, or where they feel threatened.

Speaker 1: 11:43

Then there is projection. This is a manipulative tactic where the narcissist will begin to accuse you of their own that's precipitate actions or their own behaviors or their own feelings or their own patterns of behavior or traits. So, as an example of you know, maybe a narcissist is a compulsive liar and, as a result, they start to project out onto you that you're always lying, that you're the compulsive liar, or maybe that you were the narcissist right. So they will deflect the blame and make you question your actions and your feelings, which is going to lead to more guilt and confusion, so that they can control you. This projection is sometimes also called deflect and reverse victim and offender. What that means is the narcissist will shift the blame, even if it's something that they did wrong. They will shift the blame to you and then act like they are the victim and you are the offender, which makes you question your reality. It might make you question your feelings about what happened or question whether or not what happened really happened. And if you're someone again who is very quick to apologize and accept responsibility, well then that works in favor for the narcissist. The narcissist loves that, because then they never have to take accountability, because you're taking all of it all the time.

Speaker 1: 13:12

Then there are the flying monkeys, and this is a term that is obviously borrowed from the movie the Wizard of Oz, where the narcissist will manipulate other people to carry out or enact their agenda. Flying monkey oftentimes is trying to get the validation or approval of the narcissist. So again, there's a power imbalance in this relationship. The narcissist will act like, perhaps, the victim and, as a result, the flying monkey feels bad and they want to help. So what they might do is they might try and gather information, either from you directly or people close to you, and they will be the ones who will start spreading this gossip of whatever it is that the narcissist has told them about you that is factually incorrect, and, as a result, the flying monkey will then also attack the victim indirectly. They're pointing the finger at you as opposed to realizing and recognizing that the stories that they have been told by the narcissist are either inaccurate or that they've been manipulated by the narcissist as well. So now, with these flying monkeys, not only is the narcissist abusing you, this abuse now extends beyond that relationship by involving other people, which continues to then further isolate and undermine you.

Speaker 1: 14:40

This also goes hand in hand with smear campaigns. This is where the narcissist is going to be spreading some false and exaggerated and inaccurate information about you to friends and family or acquaintances. This could happen in a workplace, and this usually happens after the relationship has either ended or there's been some big confrontation, or maybe you have tried to leave the relationship or tried to end the relationship. The narcissist is going to then try to discredit you and gain the sympathy of other people again, acting like the victim, to control the narrative, to make it look like they're the ones who are being hurt by you, that they're the ones who are the victims in this, that they did nothing wrong, that they are the model citizen, the model partner, the model father, the model employee. So when smear campaigns happen and when there is this addition of the flying monkeys to carry out the smear campaign, it just compounds the abuse and then ultimately, the trauma that you might experience from this narcissistic relationship.

Speaker 1: 15:52

It could leave you feeling like you don't know who to trust, because these flying monkeys that the narcissist is going to bring in are oftentimes the people that are potentially closest to you, or it might be the spouse of someone very close to you. They find another way to infiltrate your inner circle through their own relationships or through people that are maybe once removed but close enough that it's going to get back to you or that it's going to isolate you away from the people that are closest to you. And then, of course, the whole abuse cycle in general is a manipulation in and of itself. The love bombing that happens during the idealization phase is manipulative. The devaluation phase is manipulative because you're being criticized and belittled and undermined, and so that cycle of like the love bombing or idealization and the devaluation is a cycle that just continues where you become hopeful for the return of the affection to partner that you once knew. That's also manipulation. So I hope that this helps bring a little bit of awareness around some of the tactics that a narcissist uses, so that you can be more aware of when it's happening and how to get the support that you need.

Speaker 1: 17:10

Sometimes, when we start to experience, especially like that smear campaign and the flying monkeys and all of that, it does cause us to isolate. So a lot of these are kind of go hand in hand. If the narcissist is engaging in a smear campaign and they are enlisting flying monkeys and they are using isolation tactic on top of it, or they're involving a third party specifically over and over again, right that triangulation to drive that wedge. Then the trauma that we can experience from that level of abuse, when it is coming at us from so many different angles, can cause a deep sense of loss, a loss of trust in others, in ourselves, and it can be really damaging to our self worth, to our sense of love ability. Our circle of supportive relationships of our network continues to grow smaller and smaller and smaller.

Speaker 1: 18:09

So it's really important to be aware of these things so that you're not left struggling alone, so that you can set boundaries in your relationships, so that you can have the confidence and the courage to have assertive conversations with people who begin to engage in this type of manipulation right, and it's not even that they're manipulative, they're being manipulated to then act in the way in which they are towards you, and it's happening below their level of awareness as well. So you know, maybe at some point, once some distance and time has gone by, maybe you can repair those relationships with that person If they are able to recognize that they were also being manipulated, and having compassion for them as well. And I know that that might seem really hard, especially if you are feeling really hurt. It can be very hard because most likely you're going to feel very angry about what has happened and angry that this person that you thought knew you so well or that loved you so much, or that has been a part of your life for so long and knows you almost better than most other people in your life. It can be really disappointing when they start to believe the lies that the narcissist is feeding them.

Speaker 1: 19:26

So, understanding that that doesn't mean you have to keep that person in your life. You can need to maybe set some boundaries with those people that are being manipulated and not sharing with them personal or vulnerable information that you know is going to likely get back to the narcissist, who's then going to use that information against you and seeking out healthy relationships with people who the narcissist is not going to also manipulate and separate and try to put a wedge between you and them. So sometimes it could be that you're just relying mostly on professional relationships. Right, you're a therapist, maybe a coach, maybe you come into a community or group of women who understand this. Come join us and strong her. I don't want to sound like I'm plugging in a marketing all the time. But it's a great place to come and be and be surrounded by people who the narcissist doesn't know. So the narcissist cannot come between you and the other women in the group that are going to be supportive for you, that are going to be able to provide you with validation for what you're experiencing and who likely have also experienced this and understand it and get it and know how isolating and lonely it can feel.

Speaker 1: 20:43

So with that everyone I hope that helps until next week Be well. If you're hearing this message, that means you've listened all the way to the end, and for that I am truly grateful. If you enjoyed this episode and found it valuable, would you mind leaving us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and sharing it with others? If you'd like to connect with me for one-on-one coaching or human design reading, you can find me on my website or on social media. Also, if you have a topic you'd like me to discuss on a future episode, please DM me. Be sure to tune in next week for another episode of Stepping into Meaningful Relationships.