Creating Supportive Relationships: The Antidote to Loneliness and Disconnection

Ever feel like you're alone in your relationship? Struggling to just survive the day to day? Break free from that cycle with me, as we embark on an enlightening journey towards cultivating supportive and genuine connections. 

In our latest heart-to-heart, we walk through a framework to help you tackle things holding you back from more deeply connecting with others,  the pervasive issue of people-pleasing and the power of setting boundaries—a game changer for those who struggle to prioritize their own needs. Discover how embracing your uniqueness enables you to forge deeper, more meaningful relationships.

Join us as we discuss everything from how to create emotional safety by becoming more self-aware, to cultivating resilience and inner joy, essential tools for anyone looking to create healthy interdependence rather than a prison of dependency in their relationships. 

We'll explore the transformative art of active, empathetic listening, a cornerstone for  allowing vulnerability to blossom and establishing a solid foundation of trust within our personal connections. 

This compelling conversation is not just about preventing loneliness and disconnection; it's a blueprint for thriving in relationships that are as supportive as they are balanced. 

Let's journey together towards a life where each connection feels honest, supportive and safe.

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Corissa is a Somatic Trauma-Informed Relationship Coach™ & Narcissistic Abuse Specialist ™ who empowers women after they’ve endured narcissist trauma to rediscover who they are, reclaim their power and find the clarity and courage to move forward and live a life they love. Corissa is also a recovering people-pleaser and codependent who has endured way too many narcissistic relationships to count! She coaches not only from her knowledge and training but also from the wisdom she has gained from her own healing journey.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:09

Welcome to the Stepping Into Meaningful Relationships podcast.

Speaker 1: 0:12

I'm your host, carissa Stepp.

Speaker 1: 0:15

I'm a relationship and human design coach, and this podcast is designed to help you create a stronger connection to yourself so you can transform the relationships around you, whether that be with your partner, a friend, a parent, a child or your business. We'll be looking at relationships through the lens of human design, and my guests and I will bring you the tools, tips and tricks to create deeply meaningful connections with others. But first let's start with you. The most important relationship you have is the one with yourself. Thank you for tuning in. Now let's get to today's episode. Hey, hey, everyone.

Speaker 1: 0:52

Welcome back to another episode of Stepping Into Meaningful Relationships. I'm your host, carissa Stepp, and this is the podcast for you if you are looking to improve your most important relationship, which is the relationship with yourself. Today, I want to talk about how to create supportive relationships. Having supportive relationships in your life is so important. It is important for improving the quality of your life. It allows you to feel like you have people in your life that are emotionally safe, that you can go to when you do need support, because, let's face it, at the end of the day, you're not going to reach out to every single person you know. When you're struggling, you need to know who it is that you feel safe enough to connect with, to reach out to, who's going to be your lifeline, who you're going to raise your hand and say, hey, I'm struggling, I need help. And so if you're finding that you have surrounded yourself with a lot of toxic people in your life because you've attracted them into your life as a result of maybe being a people pleaser or maybe being someone who just overcares for everybody else, then it's really important that you start to understand how to cultivate more supportive relationships. Otherwise, you can end up feeling really alone and very disconnected, and when we feel disconnected, it can cause things like anxiety and depression and leave us feeling as though we are really alone in our experience of life, and that is the last thing that I want for you. So how do we begin to create supportive relationships? Well, it involves a profound journey that includes self-awareness, empathy and effective communication. So let's dig just a little bit deeper into each of those Self-awareness.

Speaker 1: 2:47

It's really important, number one, that you understand your emotional triggers and your emotional landscape. A lot of us, especially if we've had a lot of toxic relationships. In our life, we tend to live in survival mode for the large majority of our given day, of our day to day, and maybe you've noticed that you have been in survival mode for a really long time where you're just trying to get through, you're just trying to get to the next thing. You're not able to really be focused and be present and enjoy and to savor the moments throughout the day where you have these incredible experiences, maybe with your children or with another friend. And so it's important that you begin to recognize that you're living in this fight-or-flight state where you're just waiting for the next shoot-a-drop, where you are constantly walking on eggshells, where you're always trying to put out the next fire. So when we learn how to tune into what our emotional triggers are, when we learn how to work with our nervous system by learning how to regulate our emotions so that we can better manage stress and be less reactive, it allows us to be more mindful in how we are connecting with other people, and when we're mindful and we're more present and we're more calm and we're more grounded when we're interacting with other people, we then begin to create a sense of safety within us to be our authentic selves.

Speaker 1: 4:27

So we can't create healthy, supportive relationships if we are walking around masking ourselves all of the time and when we live in a state of fight-or-flight or in survival mode. Sometimes the reason why we're doing that is because we have learned to people please over time in order to get the acceptance, the love, the validation, the recognition, the attention from other people. Because when we make them happy or when we serve their needs ahead of our own, then it feels like they accept us, it feels like we have a place where we belong. And what we might realize over time is that we end up in relationships where people are just constantly taking, taking, taking and taking from us, as opposed to being in a very balanced relationship where there's equal give and take. So when we're able to feel safe and create that safety within us by learning how to down regulate our nervous system into what we call a ventral, vagal state, then we can connect with people in a way where we are not just reacting all of the time, and some of that reaction might be saying yes when we want to say no. It allows us to actually slow things down and respond and interact with people in an authentic way, in a meaningful way, in a way in which we feel comfortable saying what we mean, how we feel, what we believe, what we want.

Speaker 1: 6:14

It's also really important to cultivate your abilities to empathetically listen to others, and when you become an active, empathetic listener, what that means is not only are you listening to what they have to say, but you're understanding how to appropriately respond to them in a way where they feel like they're being truly understood as well, because when you do that, then they feel safe in the relationship, which allows you both to begin to communicate in a much more vulnerable way, and that vulnerability leads to stronger connections where they're going to learn how to listen to you and respond back to you in a way that's empathetic, that feels like you're understood. And when two people are hearing each other, seeing each other, understanding each other right, and they feel seen and heard and understood, then that relationship becomes a supportive relationship, because now you're like oh okay, I understand where you're coming from, I know how to support you in this, because you've learned how to communicate back to them. What it is that you need because now you feel safe, and so the thing is is that you also need to learn how to validate and acknowledge your own emotions as well. Because when you're able to tune into what it is that you're feeling maybe why you're feeling a certain way and validating that, okay, this feeling is legitimate, it makes sense.

Speaker 1: 7:57

And sometimes we do need to dig a little bit deeper to understand. Okay, I'm feeling this right now, but what does this mean? Right, what am I making this mean? What's the deeper, underlying motivation behind this, right? Or what am I? What is being triggered in this moment that I need to understand better? Because it allows me the opportunity to get to know myself better. And when you get to know yourself better, then you can show up more authentically in the relationship and share that with someone else, as opposed to taking on the emotions of other people. Because if you know how you're feeling emotionally, then you don't get swept away by someone else's emotional say, maybe dysregulation and you also need to be able to validate and acknowledge the emotions of other people. So as we learn how to do that for ourselves, we can get better at doing that for other people as well.

Speaker 1: 8:43

Empathy is really one of those things that can be taught, so it's something that you can learn. It's never too late to learn. It's something that you can teach your children. And so when you learn how to cultivate empathy first of all your own self-empathy, but then empathy for others then you're going to start to connect with people in a more meaningful and a deeper way and maybe teach them how to be more empathetic as well as a result, or at least feeling safe right with sharing their emotions and everything like that. So a big part of this also is obviously having tools for clear and compassionate communication, having those active listening skills to avoid any kind of misunderstandings and addressing any communication patterns that may have resulted from past trauma, because a lot of us, you know, probably grew up in homes where maybe conflict resolution wasn't really a thing, or maybe our parents' skills at resolving conflict were not very effective or were not very good or very healthy, and so sometimes we have to relearn how to communicate, especially when it comes to addressing conflict.

Speaker 1: 9:52

It's also really good and helpful if you are good at setting boundaries, because when you're setting boundaries in your relationships, what you are doing is you are effectively sharing with others what it is you're willing to tolerate, what it is you're not willing to tolerate. It's also your way of communicating what you do need in certain moments, as opposed to, perhaps maybe what happened historically or what has happened in the past. It's also your opportunity to share vulnerably about how you're feeling and then maybe asking for the support that you need in those moments when you are struggling. So learning how to recognize what boundaries you need to have in place and then setting them is a really important step in trying to create more supportive relationships around you. And it's also important that you look at, maybe, where you are not setting boundaries in relationships, and maybe those relationships where you're not setting appropriate boundaries is where you're not feeling supported. So how can you flip that script? How can you change that? How can you maybe change the trajectory of that relationship?

Speaker 1: 10:59

If it's with a healthy person, of course, we're not mentioning that you'd try to do this with someone who's toxic, unhealthy, like a narcissist, because your personal boundaries again are going to allow you to communicate safely, in a way, what you need to feel supported, and then also it's going to allow the person on the other end of that relationship to do the same exact thing. They'll feel safe than setting boundaries and communicating what they need in order to feel supported. And so obviously like, yes, you want to create supportive relationships with other people so that you feel supported, but you also want it to go the other way as well, where the other person's also feeling supported by you in a way that's appropriate and in a way that feels good for them. Because, even if we think about the different love languages, we all receive and give love in different ways, so something that might feel supportive for you may not actually feel supportive for somebody else. An example of that might be you and your partner get into an argument and perhaps, when you are feeling triggered, one of the things that helps you down-regulate and helps you feel better is getting a hug from your partner. Just that reassurance of that hug makes you feel so much better, knowing that, yes, you're having an argument, yes, there is something that you need to talk about and resolve.

Speaker 1: 12:17

However, your partner's not going anywhere right. They're not leaving you, they're not abandoning you, because perhaps maybe one of your biggest core wounds is that fear of abandonment, that fear of rejection. Now, your partner, on the other hand, when they're triggered, the last thing they may want is a hug. As a matter of fact, the hug is going to feel really uncomfortable for them and they might even push you away, which is going to make you feel even more triggered. Right, it'll just escalate the conflict. Maybe what your partner needs when they're triggered is a little bit of space.

Speaker 1: 12:51

Again, how we communicate, that is by setting boundaries and by saying things like hey, I was really triggered in that conversation. What would have felt good and supportive for me if you were open to it is getting a hug from you. Of course, this doesn't have to necessarily be the conflict just between the two of you. It could just be that you're triggered by something else that happened during your day, right, something that happened at work, something that happened with your children, something that happened with a friend, another family member, whatever it might be. Boundaries really helps us open up the lines of communication, but be able to do that in a way that is effective and helpful and supportive. The other thing is really learning how to assert yourself in your relationship and in the way in which you're communicating, so that you can express your needs and desires respectfully.

Speaker 1: 13:43

Number one, but number two, so that you feel heard, because so many times when people set boundaries, especially people pleasers will set a boundary and then someone might resist pushback or respond in a way that makes us feel, for some reason that it's not safe to continue to enforce that boundary. One of the first things that the people pleaser will do is back down or compromise right away. Sometimes that's not the answer and that's not the way that you're going to feel seen and heard as a result. What also can happen is you start to lose your sense of self-trust because your body is like I need this boundary to feel safe. Your mind you have verbally spoken with that boundary is, but the second that you back down, the mind and body disconnect. The mind is like oh no, no, we're not safe. All the fear, all the fear comes up, all that confusion, and immediately the first thing we do is like oh, I have to back down because it's going to create conflict and I'm not comfortable with conflict, especially people pleasers. People pleasers are not comfortable with conflict and confrontation, so their immediate response is back down and the body is left being like hey, wait a second. I thought you were protecting us here. This wasn't a safe situation. We wanted that boundary to keep us safe. What happened? So then there's a disconnect.

Speaker 1: 15:07

What happens is, over time, the more and more we back down on our boundaries, the more and more we lose trust in our ability to keep ourselves safe. As a result, we start to not connect more deeply with other people because we're not laying the foundation to create that supportive relationship or to attract in the people that are safe to have those supportive relationships with. Because then we start attracting people into our lives that Most likely know that we're going to back down on our boundaries and that we are doormats and they can walk all over us and it's okay because we will allow it. That's not to say that we're giving them permission to necessarily. However, when we don't enforce our boundaries, we make it very easy for them to continue to disrespect us. So, taking responsibility for knowing that it's your job to assert your boundaries, it's your job to lay the foundation and the groundwork to ensure that the relationships that you are giving your time and your energy to are healthy.

Speaker 1: 16:17

The other way that we can create supportive relationships is really by gosh going on a journey of self-discovery and understanding who you are and what it is that you need. Some of the ways that I like to do this with clients is by using human design, because human design allows us to see ourselves through a different lens. That's unbiased, it's not conditioned by other people's expectations, or not even conditioned by our responses to some sort of random questionnaire. That's very subjective. It's based on our birth date, time and place. It's very subjective. So we can look at the chart and we can start to understand. Okay, this is how my emotional energy works. This is how I'm meant to communicate, this is how I'm meant to get to my clarity when I'm struggling with something that maybe I'm feeling a little bit lost or confused on.

Speaker 1: 17:06

And so, by going on this deep self-discovery journey to understand who you are truly and you're able to self-reflect and cultivate a deep sense of empowerment and value and worth, then that helps you build meaningful connections that are worthy of you. It allows you to track people into your life that are going to treat you with respect, because now you know that you're worthy of only engaging with people and only interacting with people and only giving your time and your energy and your love to people who are going to respect you value. You see, you hear, you understand you or take the time to try and understand you. And then also the other thing is learning how to build resilience. Building resilience within you allows you to have supportive relationships so that when you are going through things that you're struggling with, when you're going through the curveballs that life throws at you, you're able to still show up for the people in your life and not get lost in, maybe, a quagmire of self-pity or in a quagmire of only viewing and focusing on what you're going through. It allows you to be resilient so that you can still have supportive relationships around you, but also to put a hand out and say, hey, I need help, can you help pull me out of this? I need a little bit of support. And it's not that it's their job to pull you out, but it's kind of like can you just hold my hand as I go through this and just be here to listen. And that doesn't mean vent about everything going on in your life, because that's going to feel really draining for the other person, but it's more of hey, can you allow me to talk things out and maybe ask me some really good questions so that I can figure out my next step. All right, so I can figure out how to resolve this, or so that I can figure out where else I can seek the tools that I need or the support that I need, maybe professionally, from somebody else.

Speaker 1: 19:09

So, finding ways to create resilience within yourself. Finding ways to cultivate even joy within you is also important because, especially for people pleasers, where we're constantly pinning our happiness on someone else or something else and where we are also feeling responsible for other people's happiness, we have to learn how to do that within us. So stop chasing the shiny gold object. When you find that deep joy within you, you no longer look for it outside of yourself and, as a result, you can create supportive relationships where you're not becoming overly dependent on somebody else and where someone else is not becoming overly dependent on you. You're then allowing yourself to create a very interdependent relationship, which is a supportive relationship. So I hope this helps. I hope that I've provided you with some kind of framework to help you navigate how to begin to create very supportive relationships in your life, so that you don't feel alone, so that you don't feel like you're attracting all of the wrong people. The work really begins within you first, and then it allows you to more meaningfully as we say all the time connect with other people.

Speaker 1: 20:31

Happy New Year everyone. Till next week, be well. If you're hearing this message, that means you've listened all the way to the end, and for that I am truly grateful. If you enjoyed this episode and found it valuable, would you mind leaving us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and sharing it with others? If you'd like to connect with me for one-on-one coaching or human design reading, you can find me on my website or on social media. Also, if you have a topic you'd like me to discuss on a future episode, please DM me. Be sure to tune in next week for another episode of Stepping into Meaningful Relationships.