AwakenHer with Corissa Stepp
"AwakenHer" is your beacon of hope and strength, focusing on turning the pain of past relationships into the power of self-discovery and renewal.
Hosted by Corissa Stepp, this podcast serves as your guide through the complexities of healing and personal growth. Each episode unveils the stories of women who have triumphantly navigated their way through life's storms, alongside actionable advice from experts in the field. "AwakenHer" is not just a podcast; it's a movement towards self-love, resilience, and a joyful new beginning.
Join us on this transformative journey, and embrace the empowered woman you were always meant to be.
AwakenHer with Corissa Stepp
Dropping the Mask: Embracing Authentic Relationships
In this week's episode, we delve deep into a topic that resonates with so many of us: the journey towards authenticity in our relationships and conquering the fear of rejection. We explore the origins of this fear, tracing it back to our ancestors' need for survival in communities. But even in today's modern world, the fear of rejection still plays a significant role in how we show up in our relationships.
When we wear a mask and don't show our true selves, we end up feeling misunderstood, unloved, or unseen by those around us. It's a disempowering narrative that we create for ourselves. The question is, how do we break free from this fear of rejection and start cultivating self-acceptance, self-love, and courage so that we can show up authentically in our relationships?
Tune in as we share valuable tools and insights to help you drop the mask and create more meaningful connections.
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Corissa is a Holistic Trauma-Informed Coach & Narcissistic Abuse Specialist™ who empowers women after they’ve endured narcissist trauma to rediscover who they are, reclaim their power, and find the clarity and courage to move forward and live a life they love. Corissa is also a recovering people-pleaser and codependent who has endured way too many narcissistic relationships to count! She coaches not only from her knowledge and training but also from the wisdom she has gained from her own healing journey.
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Welcome to the Stepping Into Meaningful Relationships podcast. I'm your host, carissa Stepp. I'm a relationship and human design coach, and this podcast is designed to help you create a stronger connection to yourself so you can transform the relationships around you, whether that be with your partner, a friend, a parent, a child or your business. We will be looking at relationships through the lens of human design, and my guests and I will bring you the tools, tips and tricks to create deeply meaningful connections with others. But first let's start with you. The most important relationship you have is the one with yourself. Thank you for tuning in. Now let's get to today's episode. Hey there, everyone, welcome back. Today's episode is called Dropping the Mask to Create More Meaningful Connections, which means we're diving deep into a topic that resonates with so many of us the journey towards authenticity in our relationships and conquering the fear of rejection. Before we get into the nitty-gritty of it all, I want you to take a moment and acknowledge something really important the fear of rejection. Well, it's not something to brush off or judge yourself for. It's a common and valid emotion that many of us carry. It goes all the way back to our fear for our survival Back in the day if you were left out in the middle of a forest alone, there was a pretty good chance you were going to either get eaten by a bear or attacked by a pack of wolves and likely die. By being a part of a community or belonging to a group, your chance of survival greatly increased. As much as we have evolved since those days, we still carry the imprinting of our ancestors and our DNA that says if you don't belong, or in other words, if you get rejected, you will likely have a low chance of making it out of this thing called life alive. This fear may have then gotten reinforced, potentially in your childhood or past friendships and relationships. It's crucial to recognize and honor the fear and the feelings associated without any judgment. How do we start cultivating that self-acceptance, self-love and the courage to drop that metaphoric mask that we wear in our relationships? Well, stick around, because we're about to explore some valuable tools and insights that will show you the way to break free from the fear of rejection.
Speaker 1:When we wear our mask and we're not showing up as our true and full, authentic selves in our relationships, what ends up happening is we end up feeling like our partners or our friends don't really know us. We end up feeling like we can't truly be loved because no one actually really knows who we are. We may also feel like no one sees us or no one understands us or no one values us. The thing is is that when we have that narrative running through our heads where we're like they don't this, they don't that, what's happening is we are disempowering ourselves, right, because really, at the end of the day, it's our fault and we need to take accountability for the fact that we don't feel safe enough to show up as our authentic selves in all of our relationships and in every circumstance that we're in right, in every interaction. So how do we start to drop the mask?
Speaker 1:The deep underlying fear and the reason why we mask ourselves is because we have this fear that we're going to be rejected. We have this fear that if we show up as our quirky, unique and different self right, which is part of our gift and what we're here to share with the world we might get rejected for it, or we may not belong right, we might get kicked out of the group, the community, and so that fear of rejection, it runs really deep and, if we think about it, we all have to some degree, this fear of rejection. It might look a little bit different. Some people might view that as, like a fear of abandonment. Some people might look at it as a fear that I'm not lovable, or fear that I'm not worthy or good enough or whatever it might be. But really it kind of all boils down sort of to the same thing of this fear that I don't belong or that I'm going to be rejected.
Speaker 1:Don't beat yourself up if you do have this fear of rejection and don't beat yourself up if you do recognize that, yeah, perhaps maybe you are masking yourself in your relationships. One of the first things that we need to do is we need to first be able to just acknowledge that we even hold the sphere. Because when we begin to acknowledge this fear of rejection and we acknowledge that it's a common and valid emotion, right, it allows us to then learn to accept it and heal it and move past it. And again, like, this fear of rejection can also be reaffirmed through our past experiences, in childhood or through relationship trauma, right or bad relationships just in general, and so it's really important that we validate these feelings without judgment, without criticizing ourselves for it or making ourselves wrong for it.
Speaker 1:The other thing is that we need to be able to practice self-compassion, and this involves treating ourselves with the same amount of kindness and understanding that we would offer to a friend who may be struggling, because self-compassion helps us to reduce our self-criticism. We talked a little bit about like quieting that inner critic, right, and we need to be able to reduce the amount of negative thought loops that sort of run throughout our head throughout a given day, that are aimed and directed and projected inward right, and rewrite some of the chatter that's happening in our brains to become more positive, right, and to be filled more with this self-compassion. So how do we cultivate more self-compassion for ourselves? Well, there's a few different ways, but you know, there is going to be an element of self-forgiveness here and being able to forgive ourselves for not being perfect, which can then open up the door to self-acceptance.
Speaker 1:And when we can self-accept ourselves, right, we can fully accept every piece of us, every part of us, you know, even the parts of us that maybe we have hidden away behind this mask out of shame, right, or out of this fear that if we show up in this way or we share this side of ourselves that we're going to not fit in or blend in with the crowd. We might stand out too much, right? Or again, like that fear of I have to play it small, because if I play it small then I'm a part of the group, but if I stand out too much then I don't fit in with the group anymore, right? So you know this forgiveness, piece of forgiving the fact that we're not perfect, right, and loving ourselves despite that, which is so important. So we also have to sort of explore and identify any specific triggers that might activate that fear of rejection. So I would encourage you, you know, as you go throughout your day in your relationships, if you do find that you're masking yourself and you're not always being authentic, right, you're holding back your opinions or you're holding. Well, we should hold back our opinions unless people ask for them.
Speaker 1:If you're holding back your beliefs or you're holding back, you know, sharing with others, if you're holding back asking for support, if you're holding back just being yourself, then you need to look at that situation and understand OK, what is the fear that's being triggered right now that's keeping me from feeling safe enough to be myself? And those triggers may be related to certain situations. They might be towards specific people or past memories it could be something from your childhood but by pinpointing these triggers, we can then work on addressing them more effectively and understanding these narratives that have been created around these fears or these limiting beliefs, and then we can start to reject them. Right, or we can rewrite them, or we can release them so that we feel safe being ourselves. A lot of this is like when we're feeling activated, when we're feeling triggered, is we need to be able to have first awareness of them, but then we need to have grounding exercises that can help us downregulate our nervous system in these moments so that we can stay present, because what happens is obviously, when we get triggered, we become very reactive, right, we start operating from our emotional brains. So having techniques that can help you manage the overwhelming feelings, sensations and anxiety that may accompany the sphere of rejection is going to be super helpful for you, so that you can stay in a very grounded, calm place. And when we're in that calm, grounded, present place, we're able to show up as our true selves.
Speaker 1:When we get triggered and we are in that fight or flight or freeze or fawn, what we're doing is these other parts of us that are basically coping strategies or coping mechanisms that have been instilled in us as a result of us not feeling safe To be ourselves. In this instance, right, they show up to try to overcompensate for that fear. Right To overcompensate? To prove our value, to prove that we belong, to prove that we are worthy, to prove that we are lovable. And so it's really important that we have tools and somatic practices that help us to down-regulate our nervous systems so that we can be calm and clear and focused and present and grounded and feel safe to be ourselves and not have to mask, not have to resort to being the people-pleaser right, or adopting the behaviors of the people-pleaser in order to get approval or validation or love or attention or recognition or whatever it might be right. So, you know, some somatic practices could look like some breathing techniques. It could be around. You know more physical types of practices that would involve, you know, maybe like shaking your body, jumping around, feeling your feet on the ground, experiencing things through your five senses. There's a ton of different somatic tools and practices that you can use and if you guys are interested, I can do an episode on that. Or if you need some tips and tools, feel free to reach out.
Speaker 1:And then the other thing is is that, you know, in order to drop that mask, we have to be vulnerable, right, which can be really scary. Right Again, there's that fear coming up, that fear of like, oh my God, if I'm vulnerable, what's gonna happen If I show up truly as who I am and I start sharing? You know, maybe you're struggling with something and you are scared to share what's going on behind closed doors or in your relationship or at work, because if you share that vulnerability of what's going on, you might again that fear of rejection. I'm afraid that, like, I'm gonna be seen as a burden, or I'm gonna be seen as like I'm imposing too much on somebody else and they're going to not be able to handle it. I'm going to be too much for them, right?
Speaker 1:And so then we again start to, you know, make ourselves small to fit into that box, to hide away, to mask, so that people aren't rejecting us, so that we aren't feeling like we're too much because we've been told we're too much, potentially when we were children, right? So you have to learn how to embrace that vulnerability as a strength and it's not a weakness, and let go of the narrative of I'm too much and let go of this belief that I am a burden when I ask for help or I'm a burden when I ask for support, because when we are in that position where we need help, where we need support, it's a very vulnerable place to be. You're asking someone else to help you out, right, and so it can really feel very scary. But the thing is is that in order to create more intimacy and a deeper connection with others, we have to embrace vulnerability, right. We have to create interdependent relationships, and sometimes that looks like asking for the support that you need in moments when you're struggling just as much as you especially if you're a people pleaser just as much as you would be there for someone else to help them out and support them in a tough time. Again, it kind of goes back to what we said before practicing that self-compassion right, treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would have a friend who's going through something similar. Well, if you knew a friend was struggling with something that you're currently struggling with, you would want them to open up and ask you for help, and you know that it would make you feel so good to know that you could help them. Well, give your friends and your close loved ones the same opportunity, you'll make them feel good if they can help you. They can help support you in some way if you are struggling, just like it makes you feel good when you do it for them. So you know, around this idea of vulnerability, we have to also be able to set healthy boundaries right.
Speaker 1:It's really hard to sometimes feel safe being vulnerable if we don't have some boundaries, because boundaries help us feel safe. They help us feel respected in our relationships. The reason why it's so important to have clear and healthy boundaries in order to help you get over this fear of rejection is because boundaries help you set clear expectations in your relationships. Right, so you're essentially letting others know, like what you're comfortable with and what you're not, and that clarity can reduce any kind of misunderstanding or anxiety that can come from uncertainty. Right, because when we feel uncertain, we don't feel safe. It also allows you to, number one, expect respect from others. And also it's a way it's like a self-care practice, right. Setting boundaries is a self-care practice, because when you set a boundary, you are basically not demanding, but you're asking someone else to respect you by respecting your boundary. So when you enforce your boundaries. It's your signal to others that you value yourself and your needs right. That's so important. And that self-respect boosts your own self-esteem, which makes you less reliant on external validation. It also can create emotional safety right.
Speaker 1:Knowing that you have the power to protect your emotional well-being by setting limits can reduce your fear of rejection. You understand that if someone crosses your boundaries, it's a sign of their incompatibility with your needs right, or that they're just not one of your people. They're not someone you should confide in. They're not someone you should go to for support. They're not someone you should be sharing your deep, darkest secrets with right. And then you realize that it's not a personal rejection of you. They just don't have respect for your boundaries. And if they don't respect your boundaries, then you have enough self-love for yourself to know that that person's not worth your time. Boundaries can also help you reduce your people-pleasing behaviors, because people often fear rejection when they're afraid of disappointing others. So boundaries help you prioritize your own needs and well-being over pleasing everyone else, and that shift in focus reduces the pressure to conform and seek external validation constantly. And then also your boundaries are going to encourage your authenticity, because when you can express your true feelings, your desires and limits, without a fear of judgment or rejection, you're more likely to attract people who genuinely align with your authentic self, and that can lead to more meaningful and fulfilling relationships. So that's huge right there.
Speaker 1:Sometimes, when we set boundaries, we end up losing people in our lives, right? Or those relationships tend to go from maybe being a part of our inner circle they move out into more of the outer circle because they don't respect our boundaries. So either we are pushing them to the outer circle and we're distancing ourselves, or they begin to distance themselves because they don't understand your boundaries, right, and if you're constantly reinforcing them, they might get offended or insulted, but really all that does is it kind of clears the space and the energy around you to let go of the people that are not aligned with who you truly are, and it makes space for the people that are to come in and to bring them in closer into that inner circle, right? So the boundaries really act like a filter, helping you identify and distance yourself from relationships that don't align with who you are, but also with your values and your needs, and so the process of elimination through boundary setting reduces the likelihood of experiencing that rejection from people who were never really the right fit for you in the first place. And then also, healthy boundaries can contribute to a healthier conflict resolution, right? Because a lot of times when conflict arises in a relationship, sometimes we can back down very quickly or not even speak up and share what it is that is upsetting us. We may not feel comfortable or safe to voice our concerns or our hurt feelings or our vulnerabilities because we're afraid that this person is going to reject us and they might leave us. Right, that fear of abandonment. When conflict arises in your relationships, you can address them with respect and assertiveness, knowing that your boundaries are non-negotiable. So your boundaries provide this really protective framework for your emotional and psychological well-being, right. They create an environment where you can be your authentic self without constantly seeking external validation. And by setting and enforcing your boundaries, you not only reduce the fear of rejection, but you're also going to cultivate a healthier, more authentic and fulfilling relationship with your partner and with all the people that you care about in your life. So it's super, super important.
Speaker 1:I kind of went off a little bit on a tangent on boundaries, but it's really important and I hope that you can understand now why, after having explained all that. So the other thing is that I would love for you to spend some time just kind of doing a deep dive and embarking on a self-discovery journey to really understand who are you, what are the parts of you that are showing up, acting as masks as a way to hide your true, authentic self, and what parts of you are legitimately yours and which parts of you are you hiding away in shame because you're afraid to show them to the rest of the world. I would love for you to take away from this some of these tools that I've mentioned that are really important, and that's number one acknowledging this fear, to begin with, cultivating and practicing more self-compassion, exploring and identifying your triggers right, and then having grounding and mindfulness techniques or somatic practices that can help you stay present in the moment right, so that you can manage the triggers and the overwhelming emotions that might be associated from them. And then also learning to embrace that vulnerability right, and knowing that being vulnerable is actually a strength and it's important, and we do that by setting and maintaining these healthy boundaries, okay, so I really hope that that helps. I hope that gives you some comfort and some tools and some practices and some food for thought to help you along your journey of dropping the mask so that you can feel safe, being your authentic self and creating deeper, more intimate connections with those you love.
Speaker 1:Until next time, everyone be well. If you're hearing this message, that means you've listened all the way to the end, and for that I am truly grateful. If you enjoyed this episode and found it valuable, would you mind leaving us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and sharing it with others? If you'd like to connect with me for one-on-one coaching or human design reading, you can find me on my website or on social media. Also, if you have a topic you'd like me to discuss on a future episode, please DM me. Be sure to tune in next week for another episode of Stepping into Meaningful Relationships.
