How to Break Free from the Perfectionism Trap

Have you ever caught yourself in the relentless pursuit of perfection, only to realize you're actually seeking approval? In this episode, I invite you to uncover the hidden link between perfectionism and people-pleasing. We explore how these two traits, often celebrated in society, actually hinder us from building meaningful relationships and lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and low self-esteem. 

Come along on a journey of self-acceptance as we dismantle the misconceptions surrounding perfection. We explore practical strategies including setting achievable goals, embracing self-compassion, and silencing the inner critic. Through understanding the root cause of your perfectionist tendencies, you can challenge the limiting belief that your worth is tied to your achievements. This episode is your guide to breaking free from the cycle of perfectionism and people-pleasing, and stepping into a healthier and happier life. Tune in and let’s move towards meaningful relationships built on authenticity and self-compassion.

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Corissa is a Holistic Trauma-Informed Coach & Narcissistic Abuse Specialist™ who empowers women after they’ve endured narcissist trauma to rediscover who they are, reclaim their power, and find the clarity and courage to move forward and live a life they love. Corissa is also a recovering people-pleaser and codependent who has endured way too many narcissistic relationships to count! She coaches not only from her knowledge and training but also from the wisdom she has gained from her own healing journey.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:09

Welcome to the Stepping Into Meaningful Relationships podcast. I'm your host, carissa Stepp. I'm a relationship and human design coach, and this podcast is designed to help you create a stronger connection to yourself so you can transform the relationships around you, whether that be with your partner, a friend, a parent, a child or your business. We will be looking at relationships through the lens of human design, and my guests and I will bring you the tools, tips and tricks to create deeply meaningful connections with others. But first let's start with you. The most important relationship you have is the one with yourself. Thank you for tuning in. Now let's get to today's episode. Hey, hey everyone. Welcome back to another episode. So today we're going to be talking about something that often goes unnoticed and I did allude to this in a previous episode but we're going to be talking about the connection between perfectionism and people-pleasing and the toll that it takes on our well-being. So perfectionism is a trait that often is glorified in our society, right, and can indeed be a hidden facet of people-pleasing. So let's talk a little bit more about this intricate relationship and explore the impact. So at first glance, perfectionism may not seem related to people-pleasing, right, but beneath the surface, these two tendencies often go hand in hand. So here's how perfectionism can manifest as a form of people-pleasing Seeking external validation right, perfectionists often strive for flawlessness because they believe that we'll earn them the approval and admiration from others. They're essentially trying to please others by meeting those impossibly high standards. And we all know that we talked a lot about people-pleasing, that people-pleasers often seek external validation, so that's something that perfectionism is basically a form of people-pleasing. Can we see that? Does that make sense? The next is avoiding criticism. Right. Perfectionists will go to great lengths to avoid criticism or disapproval. This fear of negative feedback drives them to pursue perfection as a way of ensuring everyone's approval. It's the same with people-pleasers. Right. People-pleasers will go out of their way to put everyone else first. Right. Meet everyone else's expectations and meet their needs before their own in order to get the same thing validation. Right their approval and validation. People-pleasers are also going to sacrifice themselves for others. Right. Just like traditional people-pleasers, they're going to put their own needs and well-being on the back burner to meet the demands and expectations of others. Right. If you're someone who works in the corporate world and you are a perfectionist, you're going to recognize this. Right, you're going to be the one who's canceling dinner plans with friends, who's coming home late and not being able to see their kids before bedtime because you are, let's say, working on a presentation and it has to be perfect and it's happening tomorrow morning. Right, it's the same thing. You're putting your own needs, you're putting the needs of your family on the back burner in order to meet the approval and validation of your colleagues, of your clients, of your. So here are some ways in which it actually really impacts our well-being.

Speaker 1: 3:43

Right, it causes chronic stress and anxiety. Right, that constant pursuit of perfectionism or perfection creates chronic stress and anxiety, because the perfectionist lives with this fear of falling short, leading to these high levels of stress that can take a toll on their mental and physical health. They're also going to suffer from low self-esteem. Right, perfectionists can often tie their self-worth to their achievements and others' opinions. This can lead to low self-esteem, as if they never are good enough. Right, they may feel like they're constantly not doing enough. They're not good enough, and this is the same situation with people-pleasers. They're also going to experience burnout.

Speaker 1: 4:32

Right From that relentless pursuit of perfection. They're prone to overworking. They're prone to neglecting their own self-care and ultimately burning out from the pressure and people-pleasers do the same thing, right. They're going to put everyone else's needs first and they're going to put themselves at the bottom of that list where they don't take care of themselves. Right, they don't prioritize their health, they don't prioritize their well-being, and it's going to cause strained relationships, right, and constrain relationships as individuals focus on maintaining this image of perfection rather than fostering and cultivating a genuine connection. It can also lead to frustration in others who feel like they can never measure up right.

Speaker 1: 5:22

Oftentimes, perfectionists have very high expectations of themselves and, as a result, will have very high expectations of others, but the motto that kind of goes along with well, I don't have any higher expectations for anyone else that I don't already have for myself, right? If I can do it, you can do it. Tell me if that resonates. As you're listening to this, you might be shaking your head. So how do we break free from the cycle of perfectionism and people-pleasing to safeguard our well-being, right? So here, breaking free from these patterns is a journey towards self-acceptance and well-being, and here are some things to consider.

Speaker 1: 6:07

Self-reflection All of this is an inward journey. Begin by reflecting on your perfectionistic tendencies. Are they driven by a desire to please others and avoid criticism, because understanding the root cause really is the first step. First, it's the I will take that back. This is the first step, right? If you can put your hand up right now and say, yes, I am a perfectionist, this all resonates, then that's the first step. But the next step would be trying to understand what the root cause is right.

Speaker 1: 6:41

Then it comes down to challenging the negative beliefs. Right, challenging the belief that perfection equals approval, that only if I get it perfect, only if I get it absolutely 100% right, am I good enough. Those are limiting beliefs. Remind yourself that you are inherently valuable, regardless of your achievements, and that no one expects you to be perfect, no one expects you to get it right all of the time. That's impossible. You are human. So, my perfectionist out there, don't beat yourself up if you fail, if you make a mistake, if you don't get it perfect or you don't get it right.

Speaker 1: 7:26

Oftentimes my perfectionists have that fear of failure and it keeps them stuck like legitimately stuck, stuck in a job that they don't like, stuck in a relationship that they want to get out of. But they're so afraid that other people are going to view them as a failure, which is the complete antithesis of perfection. Right in their mind that they just stay in something that's not healthy for them anymore. They stay in something that's toxic or that's no longer serving them. It's also important to set realistic goals. Shift your focus from unattainable perfection to setting realistic and achievable goals and then celebrate the progress rather than demanding flawless outcomes. Right, if we take a goal that we have and we break it down into bite-sized pieces and then celebrate as we check off the box for each of the little bite-size steps to get there, that's healthier than becoming overwhelmed with not being able to go from A to Z at a speed of 150 miles per hour and then not achieving the perfection or just even achieving the end goal at the end of that long sprint. Right, that vast and furious pace that you were running at. And then also practicing self-compassion right. Embrace self-compassion as a counterbalance to self-criticism.

Speaker 1: 9:04

Perfectionists can be highly critical of themselves. They have a very strong, a very loud, a very prominent inner critic. And where does that come from? Get curious, start questioning when does this little inner voice come from? And I'll give you a little hint Oftentimes our inner voice comes from our parents.

Speaker 1: 9:31

So perhaps this perfectionist part is coming up for us or has been created right as a way to meet the approval of our parents, who expected us to achieve perfection or to achieve something close to it, and maybe they didn't even expect us to achieve perfection. Maybe that was added pressure we put on ourselves. Right, it's possible, unless we were conditioned that if we didn't get the A or we didn't get, you know, 110% on every exam because we were smart and we were expected to perform to our abilities, then that perfectionist part shows up and just drives us and motivates us to keep going and keep trying and keep pushing to the point of burnout, to the point of unrealistic expectations, to unrealistic outcomes. And then that inner critic gets louder you didn't do it, you messed up, you didn't get it right, you didn't get it perfect, you didn't succeed enough, you didn't achieve enough. And so that inner critic and that inner perfectionist, eventually, while it shows up initially to protect us, to get the approval and the validation from, say, our parents, which felt like love, right to keep us safe, works against us and becomes the slow poison that we continue to swallow. So it's really important that we find ways to unblend with these parts that have been trying to protect us for so long and we are so grateful and thankful for that. And when it starts to cause detriment to our well-being, to our relationships, to our self-identity, to our authenticity, to our value and our worth, then we need to find ways to thank them and let them go right and unblend from them. So just by even having an awareness now that perfectionism really is a hidden form of people, pleasing is a powerful step towards breaking free from the script. By acknowledging its toll on our well-being and taking proactive steps towards self-acceptance, we pave the way for a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Speaker 1: 12:31

Thanks so much for tuning in today. I hope that was helpful. Until next time, everyone be well. Thank you for another episode of Stepping into Meaningful Relationships.