Navigating the Crossroads: Evaluating Your Marriage and Deciding to Stay or Leave

Struggling with the decision to stay in or leave your marriage? In this latest episode, I  help you navigate the complex emotions and factors that come into play when making such a life-altering choice. I pose thought-provoking questions to help you assess your feelings, compatibility, and communication with your partner, all while keeping your personal growth and non-negotiable values in mind. 

Discover the importance of trust and learn to recognize the red flags of manipulation, gaslighting, and a lack of physical affection in your relationship. We also dive into power imbalances and warning signs of abuse, emphasizing the importance of paying attention to your body's reactions to your partner and your relationship. Tune in for valuable insights and guidance on whether your marriage is worth saving or if it's time to move on.

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Corissa is a Holistic Trauma-Informed Coach & Narcissistic Abuse Specialist™ who empowers women after they’ve endured narcissist trauma to rediscover who they are, reclaim their power, and find the clarity and courage to move forward and live a life they love. Corissa is also a recovering people-pleaser and codependent who has endured way too many narcissistic relationships to count! She coaches not only from her knowledge and training but also from the wisdom she has gained from her own healing journey.

Book a FREE 30-min Clarity Call HERE.

Ways to connect with Corissa:

Podcast Website
Website: www.corissastepp.com
Book: The Savvy Girl's Guide to Thriving Beyond Narcissistic Abuse
Instagram: @corissastepp
Facebook: Corissa Stepp
Free Quiz: Is My Partner a Narcissist?

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Chapters

• 0:09 Is Your Marriage Worth Saving?
• 9:42 Signs of Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships

Transcript

Corissa Stepp: 0:09

Welcome to the Stepping Into Meaningful Relationships podcast. I'm your host, carissa Stepp. I'm a relationship and human design coach, and this podcast is designed to help you create a stronger connection to yourself so you can transform the relationships around you, whether that be with your partner, a friend, a parent, a child or your business. We'll be looking at relationships through the lens of human design, and my guests and I will bring you the tools, tips and tricks to create deeply meaningful connections with others. But first let's start with you. The most important relationship you have is the one with yourself. Thank you for tuning in. Now let's get to today's episode. Hey, everyone, welcome back to another episode. Today we're going to be talking about is your marriage too bad to stay in or too good to leave? Today we're going to be talking about some ways to tell if it's time to end your relationship or whether it's worth putting in the work. I'm going to be asking you a series of questions, and it might be good if you had a piece of paper and a pen handy to write down your answers as I ask you each question. Obviously, if you're driving please do not do that, don't take your eyes off the road And if you need to come back and revisit this episode, then please do so when you have time to sit down with a piece of paper or a notebook. So the first and most important question to ask is do you still love your partner Right Now? I don't mean that gooey, gushy stomach flip kind of love. I mean. Do you genuinely respect, desire, care for and love being with your partner kind of love. Do you look forward to spending time with them, talking to them, connecting with them? Do you look forward to seeing them at the end of the day? most of the time, do you feel emotionally connected to them? Do they make you feel emotionally and physically safe? Do you feel seen, heard and understood by your partner? And now this might seem like an odd question, but do you still find your partner attractive and do they smell good to you? If you answered no to most of the previous questions, then you may want to consider getting out of your relationship.

Corissa Stepp: 2:19

Trying to do the work on a relationship with a partner that you no longer love, feel connected to, want to spend quality time with or feel safe with, is not going to really be a productive use of your time. No therapist, coach or support group can make you fall back in love with your partner, make them smell good to you or bring back your desire to be touched or intimately connected to them, whether that's emotionally or physically, especially if you do not feel physically, emotionally or even psychologically safe within your relationship. So in those instances, you may actually be better off investing in your own self development, whether that be with the therapist, a coach like me, or a course or program to understand yourself better and to learn how to create the safety that you need within yourself. Feeling emotionally distant, detached or disconnected from your partner, or sensing a lack of emotional support or empathy, can indicate an unhealthy state of your relationship.

Corissa Stepp: 3:17

Now let's talk about compatibility. Do you and your partner still value the same things? Because this can obviously change over time. So making sure that you take the time to check in with one another to make sure you're on the same page is really important. Do you both want the same things in life? Do you still have shared dreams? Do you wish to enjoy the same type of lifestyle? Do you both want kids?

Corissa Stepp: 3:41

if you are a younger couple and you haven't started a family yet, are you both on the same page regarding your financial goals? Are you able to communicate effectively about money and financial decisions. So clearly, some of these things are more important to be on the same page with and others may require skill building with a couple's therapist or coach. So if you answered no to the questions above and you both have different ideas about what's important to you for example, you would rather live life to the fullest while you're healthy and young meanwhile, he feels like he needs to save and pinch every penny until he can retire one day out in the distant future. That can cause a little bit of a conflict and some tension in the marriage if you're unable to come to some sort of compromise Now. Of course that's a very specific and like kind of overdramatized example, but I think you kind of get the gist.

Corissa Stepp: 4:37

So a lot of times, though, you know, in our relationships we have, you know, some of those conversations about goals and dreams and saving and spending habits, maybe in the very beginning of our relationship. But we don't check in later on, as things change, right, as we grow older, as our life evolves, right, maybe once kids enter the picture, we don't check in and continue to have these conversations to check in to make sure that we're on the same page regarding our goals and our dreams and our saving and our spending habits too right. So a lot of these things can all be addressed and figured out. However, i would suggest that you get clear on your bottom line What values or goals do you have that are non-negotiable, and what values or goals does your partner have that are non-negotiable?

Corissa Stepp: 5:29

If you have aspirations to have a full-time career and he's always desired having a stay-at-home wife who waits on him hand and foot and cares for the children in the home while he doesn't have to lift a finger, well, that's probably not going to work. And of course, you know, you may have had aspirations of having a full-time career and then had children and decided you wanted something different and that's fine. But if that's something that you still want and desire, but it's difficult because it's not what your partner also wants, then what will happen is potentially is it can cause resentment in the relationship to start to grow right. It'll be a slow, dark poison that's going to simmer until it boils over and destroys the intimacy and connection in the relationship. So make sure that you're not compromising your self-worth, your values, your wants, your needs or your desires for someone else, because you deserve to feel worthy, valuable and happy And, to you know, hold true to what your bottom line is right that you want to experience in life the dynamics that you want to enjoy.

Corissa Stepp: 6:31

So now we're going to talk about communication, right? So do you and your partner feel comfortable having difficult conversations, and do they feel comfortable coming to you when they need to have a difficult conversation with you? Or does it always escalate into a World War III kind of situation where now maybe either one or both of you just avoid any issues that come up just completely and try to brush it under the rug right or sweep it under the rug? Do you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and your feelings, your beliefs, your upsets, etc. With your partner, or have you stopped sharing vulnerably out of a fear of being rejected, shut down or dismissed? Are your boundaries respected without you having to overly justify or constantly remind and reinforce your boundaries?

Corissa Stepp: 7:16

Now, communication can be a skill that can be worked on if both parties are willing to do the work and seek support. However, if your partner is not interested in doing the work or feels that the problem is only one-sided, insisting and saying that you are the issue, then it's most likely not going to get better. Equally, if you and or your partner avoid having tough conversations or you feel that you are often belittled, criticized, dismissed, disrespected or shut down. When you do try to broach tough conversations or share your feelings, thoughts or concerns, then that is a sign of an unhealthy relationship and you may be better off getting out. Also, if your partner is constantly pushing or disrespecting your boundaries, then this is also a sign that they are not really a safe person, right, and your relationship may not be very healthy. Because if someone respects you when they love you, then you shouldn't have to constantly reinforce your boundaries, nor should you let them walk all over them just to kind of keep the peace right. So being unable to communicate effectively with your partner is going to hinder your growth, your connection and your emotional intimacy and, ultimately, your physical intimacy and your relationship.

Corissa Stepp: 8:32

So now let's talk about conflict and we kind of talked about this a little bit but do you and your partner frequently argue about the same things over and over again? Do you find yourselves often yelling and consistently unable to find a resolution? Do you feel that, more often than not, that you are the one apologizing for things that you didn't do, just so that you can smooth things over, or are one or both of you sweeping things under the rug, hoping that if you avoid the issue or issues, that they'll go away on their own When things do settle down? does your partner apologize, or do you end up accepting more than your fair share of accountability, while they accept none? Are they remorseful, or are they using you, work or stress as a scapegoat for their behavior? If you and your partner are constantly fighting over the same things without resolution, or find that you are constantly being scapegoated or your partner is coming up with excuses for their poor behavior, then again these are all red flags and you may want to reconsider. Saying in the relationship An apology without remorse or acceptance of responsibility for what happened is not an apology Full stop.

Corissa Stepp: 9:42

Okay, now let's talk about trust. So the foundation, as we know, for any healthy relationship is trust. Betrayal, infidelity or repeated breaches of trust erode the foundation of a healthy marriage, making it challenging to rebuild and maintain a strong relationship. If your partner is manipulating you, you may also find that your trust in them erodes over time, because you can't trust someone who always has an ulterior motive or who isn't being honest and upfront with you. This can also happen in very subtle ways where perhaps your partner tells you everything is fine and then later you find out that they were angry with you over something you said or did. Or where perhaps they say one thing and a few minutes later say something different. This can be very subtle signs of gaslighting that sometimes we're not even aware that it's happening. But if little things like that are happening over and over again, what that's doing is it's giving evidence to your mind that your partner cannot be trusted, even if they haven't cheated on you or lied to you in a significant way. Those little, teeny, tiny white lies add up over time and it's what I call kind of like death by a thousand paper cuts.

Corissa Stepp: 10:51

Now, what about affection? Is your partner affectionate with you or have they withdrawn affection? Is your affection returned or do you no longer desire to be affectionate with your partner? Persistent lack of intimacy, including reduced or absent physical affection, can be a sign of emotional or physical disconnect. Also, if affection is being withheld as a way of controlling a desired outcome or as a way to show disapproval or rejection, then again these are red flags and you may want to reconsider your relationship. Equally, if you're being coerced to give in to physical intimacy despite the fact that you've set a boundary or said no, then this is also very toxic and you may want to explore exit strategies.

Corissa Stepp: 11:35

Power Is there a power imbalance in your relationship? Are most of the decisions in your relationship, family or home made by one person? Is your partner controlling or manipulative? Is your ability to make good and healthy decisions questioned or criticized, or does your partner make big decisions without consulting you? If you answered yes to most of these questions, then there is a definite power imbalance in your relationship and I'm sorry, babe, but you're not the one with free agency. Your power has been usurped and you've been whittled down to a figurehead. A significant power imbalance in a relationship can feel oppressive and be extremely unhealthy.

Corissa Stepp: 12:16

Form and abuse Any form of physical, emotional, psychological, financial or sexual abuse within a relationship is a severe warning sign that necessitates immediate action and you should seek professional help so that you can plan a safe exit from a potentially, if not, dangerous situation. I had to put in that little disclaimer. It's super important that if any kind of abuse is going on where you don't feel safe, then you need to contact your local domestic violence shelter and get help on figuring out how to exit safely. The bottom line is, if you and your partner love, trust and respect each other, share similar values, dreams and goals, but are struggling with communication, intimacy or conflict resolution, then it may be worth seeking professional support as a couple to learn the skills and tools that you need to keep your relationship going.

Corissa Stepp: 13:06

If your partner is controlling, abusive, manipulative, has betrayed you, or doesn't love, respect or value you, or you don't value, respect and love them, then it's probably a good idea to start exploring how to exit the relationship and begin doing the work on yourself. That's not to say that you need to get out of the relationship immediately. You may actually need time to do the work on yourself first and heal while you're still in the relationship, provided that you're able to set healthy boundaries that they're not pushing back on, that allow you to feel safe while remaining in it. Again, though, if there's any kind of abuse happening in the relationship, then you will most definitely want to seek professional support.

Corissa Stepp: 13:51

And if, after listening to all this, you're still not sure whether or not you should stay or go, think about how you feel in your body when you're alone, right, assess how you feel just before you see your partner, just after you spend time with them, and how you feel during the interaction. Your body knows the answers before your mind or heart can see clearly what's going on. So, for example, if you feel like you're really happy when you're alone in your own energy, and then the minute that you hear the doorbell, the keys in the front door right or the garage door open, if you anticipate with anxiety or dread that your partner is about to walk through the door, then that's going to be a clear indication as to whether or not this relationship is something that is healthy or not healthy for you. Okay, so notice how you feel when you're with your partner. Do you feel safe? Do you feel calm? Do you feel grounded, or are you feeling anxious, nervous, on edge, angry, shut down or numb? Our body keeps the score. Our body has a deeper level of intelligence or access to a deeper level of intelligence than our minds can possibly comprehend.

Corissa Stepp: 15:03

So if your body is showing you signs, right through your feelings, through your emotions, through the sensations in your body when you're with your partner or right after you see them, or even just before when you know they're about to walk in the door, if you're starting to feel uncomfortable, unsettled, nervous, like I said, anxious, on edge, or if you're feeling shut down and numb after the fact, then that means that you are likely going into fight or flight, like they are triggering something within you. You're going into fight or flight because you're not feeling safe in that relationship. And if, by the time they leave, you're feeling numb and shut down and completely disconnected, then you've gone into a freeze state, okay, which again means that now you have perceived that the threat is real and it's your endanger. So be mindful of your energy levels too. Right, if you're feeling very energized when you're with your partner, then that's great. Right, they light you up, that means that you're enjoying and you're excited and you're having a good time with them. Right, you enjoy being in their company and their presence, having meaningful conversations or just sitting down next to each other and watching TV. But if you're feeling completely drained and exhausted by the time the evening ends, or by the time you guys kind of go your own ways during the evening, where maybe you're going to bed first, whatever it might be, then again, potentially, like you're going into that shutdown mode, you're going into freeze because you don't feel safe.

Corissa Stepp: 16:32

So, all that being said, if you're still not sure, then please feel free to book a free clarity call with me so that you can gain the clarity and the confidence to know which direction your relationship has headed in. And to do that, you can head to my website. You can head to my Instagram at Carissa Step, go to the link in the bio and click on book a clarity call with me. It's a free consultation. It's a 30 minute call. We can talk through kind of what you're experiencing and how you're feeling, and I can help provide you with some additional questions, maybe to help you get to your truth about where you stand with regards to your relationship. So I hope that was helpful and that's all I've got for today.

Corissa Stepp: 17:18

So another short and sweet episode. I hope you guys have a wonderful week and I'll see you back here next week. Until then, be well. If you're hearing this message, that means you've listened all the way to the end, and for that I am truly grateful. If you enjoyed this episode and found it valuable, would you mind leaving us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and sharing it with others? If you'd like to connect with me for one-on-one coaching or human design reading, you can find me on my website or on social media. Also, if you have a topic you'd like me to discuss on a future episode, please DM me. Be sure to tune in next week for another episode of Stepping into Meaningful Relationships.